I’ve been locked into this idea for a long time that somehow my life was only minimally within my control. These dreams and aspirations I’ve held onto throughout life for something bigger, something greater and more beautiful, were only dreams at the end of the day. I felt different– discontented and dissatisfied with the mundanity of conventional life, but still: it was out of my control to change it. Life would be work with a series of momentary escapes, and that’s the best I could hope for.
Recently, I have decided: fuck that shit.
So here I write a public manifesto, a rambling list of intentions and ideals and prayers to the universe about the path in which I want to be on, remain on, and exist on.
Firstly, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Maren. I’m almost 24 years old, a university graduate, a writer, a poet, a traveler, a reader, a piteous and painful overthinker (also often an exquisite and idealistic overthinker) aspiring psychonaut, healer, therapist, artist, lover, learner, INFP.
I want to open a dialogue about the imperfections of life and humanness. There’s too much “positive vibes only” in modern life and not enough space for true human emotion. Separating from your ego, acknowledging your inner child, engaging with your darkness and learning to understand yourself, all the ugly and all the radiance, are all messy and painful processes, and there aren’t enough people talking about the rawness of that experience.
Writing is a healing tool: I’m holding space for myself here, so anyone who reads can also hold space for me. I’ve got a lot of shit I need to work out and process, as do most people. Maybe we can find some camaraderie in the fuckery, or at least a virtual shoulder upon which to cry, kiss, and laugh.
I’ve struggled off and on with depression and anxiety most of my life, and in the past months I have done a complete overhaul on my mental, physical, and spiritual health. In this blog I may write about exercise regimens that work for me, simple recipes for healthy food that even the worst cook can prepare (me), coping tools and internal mechanisms to help reduce feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and hopelessness, and using psychedelics as soulful medicine, and explorations into other spiritual and creative outlets.
I want to write about being misunderstood and being authentic regardless. I want to write about these mythologized narratives about life that I’ve believed and subsequently unbelieved. I want to write about my experience of this terrifying and incredible world in which we live. I want to write about sex and love, and loveless sex. I want to write about letting go, and holding on. I want to write about loss, grief, joy, exuberance, and abundance. I want to write about these things that I need to heal, and maybe that can help someone else heal too.